I said, “If that is the case would you please come home with me, so I can show my wife, what can happen to somebody who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble.” I said, “Would you be spending it on gambling then?” He said, “No sir.” I said, “Would you be spending it on cigarettes then?” He said, “No sir.” I said, “If I were to give you any money, would you spend it on drink?” He said, “No sir.” With the bar in mind, I stopped off this evening to get some money from the hole in the wall:Īs I was taking the cash, a tramp came up to me and asked if I could spare any money. I am not saying my home town is dull but the definition of a Grimsby playboy is somebody who stays up to watch News at 10. There is one consolation though, in 20 years time we will be calling these the good old days. So we went out and had a lovely evening, but when we got home our house had been ransacked and on our dining table was a note, ‘Now you know.’Įven Banks are trying to save money nowadays, although to be fair to them, they did give me a calendar at Christmas -even though it only had 3 months on it.īusiness is so bad nowadays, even the people who have no intention of paying aren’t buying.Īpparently, Snow White has had to lay off 4 of the dwarfs. 2 weeks ago my wife and I had a nice surprise somebody put a pair of theatre tickets through our door with a message, ‘Guess who these are from?’ In this period of recession, we all need to be shrewd and save money where we can and even criminals are having to use all of their guile to survive and some are very clever. They are investigating for claiming for silver polish for the last twenty years. I had a cheque returned yesterday from my Bank marked, ‘Insufficient Funds.’ I rang to ask if it meant me or them?Īfter the MP's expenses scandal, it is rumoured that the inland revenue are going over everything with a fine tooth comb. The joke was so funny, it almost made Andy Murray laugh.
Best jokes for dinner party driver#
I am not trying to say that Dave is a bad driver but I would feel safer being driven home by. He said, “That’s the quickest way.”Īnother sign of growing older is, when you are faced with two temptations And you chose the one that will get you home by 9 o’clock. On the way here I stopped in the local village and asked a man, “Which is the quickest way to ?”
He was in B&Q, when an elderly man with orange overalls asked him if he wanted decking. I am sorry to report, that John was in trouble with the Police recently for alleged assault, although he swears it was self defence.
I asked him recently, "How are you getting on?" and he said, "We haven't met yet. John told me 2 years ago, that he had joined a support group for procrastinators.
I am afraid I have 2 disappointments for you today the couldn’t make it For starters I will be giving up drinking. I asked the chairman how long I should speak for this evening and he said “Speak for as long as you like but we’re going home at ten.”īefore I start my speech, the management of this hotel have asked me to point out that the sign in the gents ‘Wet Floor,’ is a warning not an instruction.īefore coming here today, I was forced to give my wife a lecture on home economy and believe me there are going to be some changes. After Dinner Speech Joke and Humour Document Samples
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